Dear diary,

I was spending quiet time with God on Friday night, 28th July 2006. I am very lost, very sad. I was so sad to the point that I want to cry I just couldn't cry. My heart felt so heavy and I find it harder to breathe as seconds passes by. I began to sing "Still". I didn't want to on my computer as I don't want to disturb my family. I also want to cut down on the electricity bill. I was feeling so weak; I just didn't want to move out from my bed.

I took out my nano and begin to listen and sing to Hillsong's "Hope" album 3rd track "Ever Living God". When I sing to the chorus part, I couldn't take it anymore. I just cry out to God, telling how wonderful, how marvelous He is to me. Telling him how horrible I am feeling, telling him how insecure I feel, telling him how hurt I am still feeling from my past, telling him how much I hated my undesired past. I didn't speak those words out. I was too broken to say anything. I just kept crying.

When the 6th track "Still" is played, I was reminded of one really close encounter with God. I don't remember the exact date. But I do remember that I was struggling to get out from my depression. That night I was really depressed. I guess I was feeling even worse then.

I still remember I was pacing to and fro in my room. Singing and worshipping God. Then I pause and just stood there. I started to cry. Before I knew it, I fell on my knees, crying my heart out. I asked God, “Why Lord? Why all these happen to me Lord?" Like a little girl, I sat on the floor with my legs fold to my side, sobbing with shivering hands covering my teary face.

I began to pray in tongues. Just then, I felt God sat right in front of me. He is so so SO HUGE!! Man! It was really an amazing encounter with God. He laid His hands on me and said, “My child...even if there is no one in this world loves you, I love you." When I hear that, I cried even more. I felt so bad because I know I've sinned against Him. Who am I that the Lord comes to comfort me? Who am I that the Lord bothers to even spend His precious time to sit here in front of me and watch me cry? Who am I? Who am I? Then the Lord says, “You are my child...my lovely little girl...my beloved."

As the next song, "Angels" is played; I felt His peace resides in my spirit. I went to bed and fall asleep soundly.

I was reminded of a verse in Habakkuk 3:17-18:

17 Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

When our days gets busy, when our minds cluttered more and more with worldly problems, when everything seems to go wrong, all the more we need to sing our praises to God. Despite of all the pilling problems arising from my family's financial downtime, despite of all the insecurities I am feeling right now, all the more I want to give God the glory for He is worthy to be praised! Amen!

"Ever Living God" by Hillsong

Verse 1:
Ever living God
Maker of all the Earth
Ever lasting King, our eternal praise belongs to You
All of the honour
All of the glory to You

Chorus:
You are wonderful, marvellous, forever
Beautiful, Prince of peace, faithful One, forever

Verse 1

Chorus

Bridge:
Take the place of all honour
Take the place above all thrones
Take the place of all power
You are the One, glorious

Chorus x 2

Bridge x 2

"Need You Here" by Hillsong

Verse 1:
I need You here
I need You here
You're like the rain that falls
Fall on this heart and make me new

Verse 2:
I look to You
I look to You
Your're king above the earth
And you have put heaven in my heart

I only want to be where You are

Chorus:
Holy, holy is the Lord
King of glory
Forever, Saviour of the world

Verse 2

Chorus x 2

Bridge:
Though mountains maybe moved
And fall into the raging seas
You'll never let me fall
You hold me in Your nail scarred hands

I only want to be where You are
I only want to be where You are
I only want to be where You are

Chorus x 3

"My Hope" by Hillsong

You are righteous
You love justice
And those who honour you
Will see your face

I will arise and lift my eyes to see
Your majesty
Your holiness
And all I am will bless you

Chorus:
My hope is in the name of the lord
Where my help comes from
You're my strength, my song

My trust is in the name of the lord
I will sing your praise
You are faithful

"Still" by Hillsong

Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hands

Chorus:
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storms
Father You are King over the floods
I will be still and know You are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

"Angels" by Hillsong

The holiest place there could ever be
All you can do is bow
Before the one who made heaven and earth
Before the Almighty God
For Him alone

Sing with the angels
Sing with the angels
Singing the name of the lord
Singing the name of the lord

For every soul
He gave it all
Given for all of mankind
Eternal life is His alone
Given to all who believe
In Him alone

Jesus...
Jesus...
Jesus...
Jesus...

-3:43 PM