Dear diary,

Yesterday was THE DAY. Oh yes, me and Lawrenz finally informed all the leaders except Calvin papa (who is not in Singapore) about our relationship. I really thank God for answering my prayer. I asked God to grant us grace and favor. If you have guessed it right, I feared that the leaders would not accept me and law being together. Honestly, I'm afraid of how they will look at us and things like that.

I believe God knows my fears and my anxiety. And whenever I caught myself worrying, I shift my focus back to God. Back to His promise to me (I've mentioned in my previous blogs), back to the hope I have in Him. I’m clinging onto Him, definitely more tightly. It was a really a test of faith and trust.

I really thank God that the response we get from the leaders were all positive. In fact, they were all happy for us. One was laughing, the other was like saying, “I wonder when are you both going to announce..." Hahas!

I guessed Pastor Jason notice us as well. As he was entering in the pantry, he commented about us being like couples to Uncle Des. Hahas!! For that moment, I froze. I didn’t know we were THAT obvious when all the while we tried to keep our distance. -_-". . . Hahas!! :x

Well, you might be curious when did me and law came to this conclusion. On the 22nd April before service starts, “Pastor” Jonathan had a talk with law. After that, law’s face was lighted up. Jonathan gave him two questions to ponder about. Law was seeking answer for the 2nd question. That night, I shared something with him. And soon, he got his answer. As for the first question, we have thought of it like loonnngggg time ago. Hahas, so the 2nd question was the only question that he really needs to seek God and think about it.

As for my side, Cindy mami talked to me on the following Saturday, 29th April. Basically it was what Jonathan told law. I shared with mami my fears. I told her that I fear God. To think that I’ve made decision to stop my 2 years’ of commitment, what will God feel and do? How will He deal with me?

There was a thought that came to me few days before that Saturday. It might sound ridiculous but I really had that fear. Will God cause something bad to happen in my future pregnancy? Will he bless my baby (if I have one in future that is…) I felt disturbed.

Mami reply was that our God is a loving God. God did not ask me to commit to Him. But the fact is I choose to commit to God. So it is my choice to commit and is also my choice to stop committing. God longs for us to draw near to Him and not run away from Him. Just like when a parent punishes his/her child, it is for the child to learn his/her lesson, not to push them away. Likewise, God will not do such a thing esp. when He is a loving God. Even when things go wrong, it is more for us to learn than to repel from Him.

At that moment, I felt such a relief. I was really worrying for quite many days and finally I got my answers. Phew…thank you Jesus…thank you for your love…

At the end of the talk, we ended with prayers as usual. Mami prayed that all the negative thoughts and feelings I had to be removed. “Mami, if you are reading this. I want to say thank you for spending your resting time to talk and pray for me. I know you are tired and you are losing your voice that day. I really appreciate you and love you a lot a lot. *mUaCkS* :* ”

I was sharing the news with Uncle Des on 2nd May. And strangely he tell me not to feel bad about not fulfilling the commitment. I was very surprise that he tells me this because I didn’t share my thoughts with him. He told me not to feel condemned. I told him that there might be some who might judge and think otherwise of me, he told me to ignore them. As long as I am accountable to God and the leaders, it is good enough.

I really believe that God was speaking to me through Uncle Des. I mean precisely, at that point of time, I am still worrying about this issue. Wow…isn’t God amazing? :) Haas, that is also one of the reason why I had confident that God will help us. Just that the evil one always tries to deceive us with doubts (as usual...HAARS... *yawns* :P )

Some of my friends whom I’ve informed gave me rather negative kind of replies. Oh well, I don’t blame them for they love and is concern over me. I truly believe that when me and law choose to honor God, placing Him as the foundation of our relationship, our hope and confidence is in Christ Jesus. God will help us in everything. Be it in our spiritual walk with Him, in our relationship with each other, in our friendship with others, in our areas of struggles, we believe, have faith and trust in our Almighty God.

I shall sing it over and over again, ”There’s nothing my God cannot do!! There’s nothing my God cannot do!!” Really…Jesus, You are law and my HOPE. Yes Lord Jesus! YES AND AMEN!! :D

-8:54 PM