Phillipians 1

Dear diary,

I was on MC this day. woke up in the morning, had a lil' cramp. so decided to rest at home. It's around 9pm+ at night, i suddenly want to read the bible. But i din know where to start, and so i msg jonathan and ask for a book in the bible to read. And he gave me Phillipians. I was pretty surprise that he gave me a short book to read. He told me to read a chapter a day. And so, that is wat i did for my quiet time.

Honestly speaking, I don't really know how to do quiet time. Most of the time, i'll be wondering if i'm on the right track. I started off with praise and worship, in my own room, at my own time and pace. i love praising and worshipping God. it's something really easy to do. it doesn't need brain cells. all you need to do is to focus on God. and that is what i did. oh well, of course, sometimes i will unawarely think of other things, think of my problems. But then, God never fails to bring me back to the right track with him.

Afterwhich, i sat on my bed and began to pray. this is the more difficult part. sometimes there is so many things to pray about. sometimes you're just so tired of everything, ended up you are too tired to pray for anything, everything. i remembered jonathan told me before. whenever you don't know wat to pray, pray in tongues. The Holy Spirit will help us intercede. He will help to pray for us for He knows wat is in our hearts and wat we are going through.

And so i was holding on to my bible, and i started to pray in tongues. I believe it helps. I felt much better after praying in tongues, so i begin my quiet time with God. I was reading Chapter 1. These 2 verses pop out. Iknow it's God who is speaking to me. He wants to tell me some things.

The first verse is:

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Phillipians 1:21

I guess it is pretty obvious what i need to do. That is to die to myself and live for Christ. God is telling me that if i really want to die, then i should stop thinkin of ending my life but to submit my whole life to Him. It is easy to be said than done. Many a times in my life, I thought of dying. I am unable to count how many times. It's all lying at different stages of my life. Some in secondary, some in poly and some real recents ones. Whenever i thought of dying, i felt loveless. It's always the same sentence. Since no one loves me, why should i continue to live? It's pointless! But, just before I can do anything silly, God always manage to send someone in time to me, to comfort and console me. This is my God. He loves last minute. But His last minute is always powerful. Usually people like jonathan, cindy will be the God-sent. They will spend an hour plus to talk to me. And i really thank God for them.

Usually jonathan will talk to me through the phone at night. I felt really bad. I mean i always thought i am disturbing his rest. But he is always assures me that it is okay. It's not a chore to him. In fact, he prefers to talk to people about their problems than to work. hahas!! I was pretty shock to hear that. And as for my dear cindy, she will want to meet up with me and have a talk face to face. They are both really somebody important in my eyes. Not because they bother to talk to me. But it's their love for me. They see what people don't see in me. They see wat God sees in me. And that is amazing. When i look at them, i see hope, i see joy, i see love, i see Jesus in them. =)

Their love for me, makes me realise that i shouldn't, i couldn't and i wouldn't give up my life to Satan just like this. Jesus died on the cross for me! for my sins! How can i just die like this? It is not rightful for me to do so. I begin to realise this. They have so much hope in me and if i were to die like this, all their efforts will be wasted! I know they do all these for God. But i just won't want let either them or God down. And so I shall live. Die to my sinful self and carry Jesus' cross.

The second verse which was highlighted is:

"Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ." Phillipians 1:27

I believe God is telling me about self-control. this is something which cindy is also praying for me. In whatever circumstances, think of how God wants me to react and not to do things base on my own strength and perception. This sentence sounds pretty strict. But of course, I believe God wants us to know the importance of our self-conduct. Ultimately, at the end of the day, we report to no one but God.

It's pretty a hard lesson for me as both verses talks about giving up my sinful self. I'm a human, but i believe God will teach me and make me learn. Thank God for speaking to me.

*ying

-12:00 AM